SONGWRITING

Miss Universe

By: Laura Alford

He’s looking for the missing piece
To make his life complete
The perfect accessory
To slip between his sheets
For his true companion
Well-read is a must
Second in importance
Only to her bust.

He’s gone global
Searching for this chick
To park her in a trailer
Way out in the sticks
Fun and devoted,
Curious and chill
Yeah she needs a job
But he’ll pay all the bills.

He told me all about his lovers
Young and talented and smart
Attracted to his music
His weed and his art
This one’s got a husband
That one’s got a life
This one’s from Columbia
And that’s the first ex-wife

He gave and gave
And gave some more
He gave it all away
They broke his tender, fragile heart
When they refused to stay
He says he like smart girls
With confidence and cachet
Who’s only life’s ambition is
To support his one-act play
Understudy to lead actress
Get ready to perform
Brains and beauty
Plus Lifetime Movies
Create the perfect storm

You’ll want to be the one
Who saves our flawed hero
A super-special Princess,
Eating carb-free and keto.
Your resumes and zodiac
Are both a perfect match
He’s looking like an itch
That you can’t wait to scratch

He told me all about his lovers,
Young and talented and smart
Attracted to his music
His weed and his art.
This one’s got a husband,
That one’s got a life
This one’s from Columbia
And that’s the first ex-wife
He gave and gave
And gave some more
He gave it all away
They broke his tender, fragile heart
And caused his eye to stray

Go ahead and try it
I know just how you think
That you can win this pageant
And pull him from the brink.
But take it from the reigning queen
His old Miss Universe
When it’s all over
He’ll say you were the worst

He told me all about his lovers
Young and talented and smart
Attracted to his music
His weed and his art
This one’s got a husband
That one’s got a life
This one’s from Columbia
And that’s the first ex-wife
He gave and gave
And gave some more
He gave my love away
They set a new world record
Recovered the same day

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